Emotional Purity: Is It Important or Not?
I first learned of the concept of emotional purity in high school (around 2013) after someone suggested I read the book Emotional Purity by Heather Arnel Paulsen. After first reading it, I agreed with many of the author's ideas. I decided to revisit the book and this concept to see if my thoughts on it have changed. Critiques are in italics.
Emotional Purity is similar to the concept of physical purity, with it being an inner aspect of yourself that can be given away to many people or saved for one person. Paulsen relates a story that some women she surveyed remembered their first love, but few of them married their first love.
She mentions that many women can become "emotionally married in [their minds] in less than ten seconds" (pg 98). While women can become emotionally attached to men, the opposite can also be true. Additionally, not all women form emotional attachments within a few meetings or dates.
If someone uses this book as a handbook for social gatherings, common interactions can turn into legalistic battles quite quickly.
Paulsen suggests discussing feelings with a male friend if she has an interest in him. He could tell her, "I only see you as a friend." Some people call this a DTR (define the relationship). While this is helpful, it is not always appropriate to have this conversation. If he didn't know she was interested in him, he knows now, and she has been vulnerable, possibly unnecessarily.
She does stress the importance of a single person's relationship with God. I appreciated this part.
What Paulsen fails to mention, while she shares much of her own story and hypothetical examples, is that many people have more than one relationship before they are married. She does not normalize dating, though she does admit that some emotional connection is necessary for two people to form a friendship (pg 57).
Some women could be hurt by emotional connections that do not lead to dating relationships. I have experienced this.
However, in my opinion, that does not mean someone should forego seeking out male/female friends to try to stay emotionally pure.
People in my circles do not mention this concept or standard. I understand that emotional purity could be more common in courtship circles. See this article for more information on that.
I'd also recommend the documentary I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye, written by Joshua Harris and produced by DOCSology. While this documentary does not mention emotional purity, it gives good insights into purity culture, specifically in the '90s and early 2000s, and past Christian dating practices.
Emotional Purity is similar to the concept of physical purity, with it being an inner aspect of yourself that can be given away to many people or saved for one person. Paulsen relates a story that some women she surveyed remembered their first love, but few of them married their first love.
She mentions that many women can become "emotionally married in [their minds] in less than ten seconds" (pg 98). While women can become emotionally attached to men, the opposite can also be true. Additionally, not all women form emotional attachments within a few meetings or dates.
If someone uses this book as a handbook for social gatherings, common interactions can turn into legalistic battles quite quickly.
Paulsen suggests discussing feelings with a male friend if she has an interest in him. He could tell her, "I only see you as a friend." Some people call this a DTR (define the relationship). While this is helpful, it is not always appropriate to have this conversation. If he didn't know she was interested in him, he knows now, and she has been vulnerable, possibly unnecessarily.
She does stress the importance of a single person's relationship with God. I appreciated this part.
What Paulsen fails to mention, while she shares much of her own story and hypothetical examples, is that many people have more than one relationship before they are married. She does not normalize dating, though she does admit that some emotional connection is necessary for two people to form a friendship (pg 57).
Some women could be hurt by emotional connections that do not lead to dating relationships. I have experienced this.
However, in my opinion, that does not mean someone should forego seeking out male/female friends to try to stay emotionally pure.
People in my circles do not mention this concept or standard. I understand that emotional purity could be more common in courtship circles. See this article for more information on that.
I'd also recommend the documentary I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye, written by Joshua Harris and produced by DOCSology. While this documentary does not mention emotional purity, it gives good insights into purity culture, specifically in the '90s and early 2000s, and past Christian dating practices.
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